


Homesick

by StorybookLover



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Angst, Blood, Cannibalism, Canon-Typical Violence, Family Feels, Gore, Hurt/Comfort, Kaneki's mother is alive, Shironeki | White-haired Kaneki, Violence, an edited version of my story on ffnet, but not graphic so far, like really a lot of angst, set before kanou's lab, so no kakuja, this it tokyo ghoul so:
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-13
Updated: 2015-04-28
Packaged: 2018-03-22 18:21:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,217
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3738715
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StorybookLover/pseuds/StorybookLover
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Children are knives, my mother once said. They don't mean to, but they cut. And yet we cling to them, don't we, we clasp them until the blood flows." ― Joanne Harris, The Girl with No Shadow </p>
<p>What if Kaneki's mother was still alive and waiting for her son to return?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Lost & Found

**Author's Note:**

> This story takes place in an AU where Kaneki's mother is alive and well, everything follows the manga story line up until right before the raid on Kanou's lab.

## Lost & found

A woman sat in a faintly lit room looking morosely out through the clear glass window. The dark night outside was illuminated by the cold white light of the streetlights and the golden glow from the many apartments of those still awake. She lived in one of the safer areas in the 20th ward and there was rarely any ghoul activity in the nights, leaving the streets deserted. That's why it came as a surprise when a lone figure appeared at the end of the block. The woman startled and watched the silhouette closely. Even if ghouls were scarce in these parts it was still rare for the inhabitants to leave their safe homes when the dark had fallen. The figure looked up under his hood in the beam of a streetlight and she felt her heart skip a beat as she saw his face, the face of her missing son. 

Kaneki Ken. He had been missing for four weeks now and already before that he had been reclusive and avoided their contacts after a difficult accident that had required an organ transplant. She had tried to stay optimistic but she couldn't help thinking that she'd never see him again. The silhouette outside stopped outside her window and lowered his hood. His white hair a stark contrast to his black clothes. The woman closed her eyes in disappointment. This boy, when she saw him closer looked to old to be her son and his natural white hair was proof that she once again projected her wish to see her son on perfect strangers. She turned her back to the window and gave in to her tears as she went to bed.

________________________________________  


 

Outside her window the boy looked longingly up to her apartment. The night was perfectly still around him as he stood there wishing that he could go up to his mother, to see her again and tell her that he's alright. Kaneki gave off a short burst of air and turned slowly to walk back the same way he came from. When he turned into a black alleyway his white hair was the only brightness in the pitch black coldness.  


________________________________________  


 

A few days later Kaneki's mother walked in the city center. She was once again putting up missing posters all across the 20th ward. So far it yielded no result but she kept up hope that some day they would find him alive and well.

She entered the familiar cafe, her son had worked here for about a month before he disappeared and she still went here every day in the hope that he would find his way back there. The woman sat down in the furthest corner of the little shop at the usual table. The purple-haired waitress, Touka, approached the table with the usual somber look she used when she came there, Touka had been a close friend of her son.  
"He is still missing then i gather" the girl said resignedly and took the woman's blank look as an affirmative and lowered hes eyes. "The usual then Kohana?" She continued after a short silence adopting a professional tone.

She was interrupted when the door opened and a young man walked in. He was clad in black and had a hood covering most of his face. The only visible feature was his white hair and black painted nails, the same person she had seen outside her apartment the other night.  
The man started at the sight of them and froze on the spot, Touka took a sharp intake of breath and put her hands to her mouth. Kohana looked confused at the newcomer, who could cause such a reaction in the usually stoic girl. She knew he looked like her Ken but it wasn't him and it was breaking her heart. She made to look away but then she did a double-take and let out a gasp almost a whimper. With tearful eyes she whispered the name she had been longing to say.  
"Ken"?

It was despite the faded hair and, dulled eyes and hard expression without a doubt her son. She gathered herself and stumbled up from the chair and crossed the small shop. She stopped just in front of him and hesitantly reached out her arm. Shaking she lifted it to his face and touched his chin softly. He closed his eyes and let out a soft breath but gave no other reaction. Kohana broke out in tears and threw her arms around her child and felt him take shaking breaths as he hugged her back.  
"Mom" he sighed quietly with large amount of relief.

They sat down at a table by the windows hands clasped across the table since Kohana refused to let go, she needed the proof that he was really there."will you come home? Just tonight"  
He hesitated for a second before nodding an affirmative and his lips formed a small smile, the first sincere one since his accident. She smiled in return but a small amount of distress crept into her mind, despite the smile he still had a lingering expression of pain. What happened to make him like this? He was never this closed off all the time, and behind his eyes were a sadness that he tried to hide behind an expressionless facade. She put her concerns away for the time being, it was enough just to have him here at last.

The doorbell jingled behind them as they left Anteiku behind them and headed home.  


________________________________________  


 

Kaneki almost regretted his decision to come home with his mother, he knew that Aogiri was after him and he also knew that he himself was far from safe in his current state of hunger. He couldn't imagine himself capable of killing his own mother, his self-control had become better than that right? He didn't dare to trust his theory and regretted not having eaten recently. To sneak away later to find someone to eat felt like betrayal to his mother and he refused to think that he might have to. The last week had been busy, training; both his team and himself at the same time as he struggled to find out more about Kanou had left little time for rest and he was exhausted both in mind and body. That was probably why he didn't have the strength to turn her away and gave in to his heart. Kaneki looked at his mother, she looked so happy to have him back, she had no idea it was only temporary. It could only ever be temporary. If she ever found out that he was a ghoul she would want nothing to do with him. She would miss the son she had lost in that accident where the old him had been killed. But he was not that person anymore.

They took the last turn onto the street to his home. His old home he reminded himself, yet he couldn't shake the familiar longing he felt, the strong homesickness.  
A sudden sound of footsteps made him turn his head. Immediately he felt the dread turn his insides to ice. Before him were two familiar faces. His mind was instantly back in that small chair. He saw the big room with checkered floor and felt the white hot pain of his fingers and toes being brutally cut from his body. He could hear the centipede in his ear and saw the two ghouls come towards him with a human body forcing him to eat it so his limbs would grow back. Then the process would start all over and over and over...  
He tore his mind back to reality, this was not the time to be spacing out. He felt his mother turn around beside him, she went rigid at the sight of the two men with black and red eyes.

"Mother, you should run home, I'll be right behind you" Kaneki said in a level voice hoping she would listen. She didn't. He saw the first man's kagune rip out of his middle back - a koukaku type. He knew that he could not evade it out of the fear that it would hit his mother instead. With a heavy heart he adapted a protective stance in front of his mom ready to do what it takes to save her.  


________________________________________  


 

Kohana couldn't run away leaving her only child with these monsters, she didn't know what to do when he stepped in front of her. The taller of the men had a large red Kagune sprouting from his back, forming a sharp spear like shape beside him. Without a warning he propelled it forward and she knew it would cut straight through her son. Before she could even scream Kaneki had pushed her to her gently to the side so she stumbled and fell to the hard concrete a short distance away. She saw, as in slow motion how her son smoothly sidestepped the sharp kagune. At this time the other ghoul had produced a purple kagune in the shape of a tail and she knew that she was not walking away from here. But the one thing on her mind was her child, still standing straight between her and the attackers. "Ken run! Leave me here! Please you have to live." She cried out in panic when he narrowly avoided the tail like kagune.

Their attackers laughed out loud at that and one of them made a move to go around Kaneki to her. "Don't you dare" Kaneki said, his voice suddenly hard, he took a step forward threateningly. The ghouls faltered in their laugh for a second before speaking for the first time. "Do you really think you can threaten us? After all we are two of Aogiri's best"  
"So was Yamori" Kaneki retorted simply. Kohana looked confused between the three of them, this was not what she was expecting, had they met before? Yamori as in 13th ward's Jason? She wasn't sure she wanted to know.

The two ghouls had had enough of talking and threw themselves at Kaneki. She screamed as her son was pierced through his arm with the spear like kagune. The blood dropped slowly from Kaneki's pale fingers. He turned to look at her for a second, his eyes were sad as if he had given up on life and was begging for her forgiveness. Kohana could no nothing but watch as he turned his back to her and faced the monsters whom would be his killers. What happened next was to fast for her to follow. Four red kagune limbs appeared out of nowhere and suddenly the ghouls were thrown to the ground and Kaneki stood alone in the middle. Her mind couldn't take in the sight of him walking forward, cracking his fingers and looking at the ghouls climbing of the ground with one black and red eye.

##### 


	2. Run to you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone, this is a bit later than I thought but oh well. here it is anyways. Thank you for all the reviews and likes <3

Kaneki felt the all too familiar rush of adrenaline pump through his body in anticipation of the upcoming fight. His heart surged and he cracked his knuckles with a loud pop. His instincts wanted him to tare the two ghouls in front of him to good meal sized pieces and feast until he was finally full.

His logical side, his human feelings screamed at him to be gentle, he would do anything for his mother not to see this. But she was, so he would fight his violent tendencies so as not to scare her away from him any more than necessary. He tried not to hold on to the slim hope that she would accept him but that treacherous feeling crept up on him hardening his resolve to end this as bloodlessly as possible.

The shorter ghoul, the Koukaku-type ran towards him with a hateful expression, yelling profanities atKaneki, his kagune ready to strike. Kaneki remembered now, the ghoul was Naki, one of the less mentally stable followers of the Aogiri. He had been quite obsessed with Jason if Kaneki remembered correctly. So that's why they were here, for revenge.

When Naki's deadly kagune was thrown forward Kaneki moved swiftly to his left and dashed then moved in closer, he struck with a strand of his kagune in the hope of finishing this quickly. The ghoul was too quick and threw himself to the hard ground before Kaneki's bright red kagune could pierce his heart. Instead it graced his back and tore a long gapping tare in the dark flesh. Blood spread on the ground around them quickly and Kaneki cursed inwardly throwing a quick look towards his mother. She looked dazed and confused, the hope for acceptation dropped and Kaneki felt his heart grow heavy.

The other ghoul had recovered from his bad fall and was taking a slower approach by trying to circle him. Kaneki poised himself between the bikaku ghoul and his mother. Naki was also on his legs again despite a limp and a pained expression and the two of them came at him simultaneously from different directions. Kaneki noticed belatedly how close to his mother he had moved and realised he had to finish this off quickly so she wouldn't get hurt.

The bikaku ghoul was the first to get to Kaneki and threw his kagune forward aiming for Kaneki's midsection. The white-haired boy blocked it with his one of his own kagune limbs which disintegrated from the hit. He didn't bother regenerating it but just grabbed Naki by the arm when he went in for a hit while he thought Kaneki was distracted. With a wrench the ghoul was thrown into his companion and went crashing straight into the sharp bikaku kagune aimed to spear Kaneki. The crazy ghoul gave a grunt of pain before crashing to the ground, pierced through his heart.

The remaining ghoul looked shocked down on his friend as he slid of the kagune with a squelching sound, while he was immobile Kaneki jumped forward and quickly severed the ghouls head from his body.

He then closed his eyes to the bloody mess on the ground and turned around to face his shaken up mother.

________________________________________

Kohana did not think of herself as a girl who had lived a sheltered life, she had lost her mother in an accident in early years and then worked shifts at the local hospital when she was younger, blood and wounds were common to her.

The harsh reality now stared her in the face when she witnessed a man getting impaled by a large sharp kagune. She could see the guts spilling out on the road with crystall clearness, like grotesque grey worms they lay, covered in thick red blood. She felt nauseated by the sight and pushed herself away from where she sat on her knees. Kohana scraped her hands on the rough concreate when she frantically tried to drag herself along the ground, trying to shield herself from the sight.

When the headless body fell to the ground a second later and the head rolled in her direction she met the blank eyes of the dead ghoul and could no longer keep down the urge to throw up.

Kohana was still hunched over on the ground and dry heaving when she felt a hesitant hand on her shoulder. She turned her head sluggishly and saw the slim hand with blackened nails.

"Are you alright?" Kaneki asked softly while he put his hands firmly under her arms and gently helped her up on her feet.

She nodded slowly and let her son help her across the street to her house, leaving the horrific bodies behind them.

The light in the stairway was sparse and the dark tapestry gave it a gloom appearance and Karla felt herself start to shiver. She had some trouble finding the keys to her apparent and dug around in her small handbag. When she had gotten the key she could barely unlock because her hands were shaking. She knew deep down that she was in shock, she should snap out of it, take care of her child. It only made her hand shake harder. She felt Ken's sure hands cover hers and managed to turn the lock.

She sat down at the small table in the kitchen. It was standing in the middle of the room facing the only window in the house. The chair scraped against the wooden floor when Kaneki pulled out a chair beside her.

"Do you want me to go?" Ken asked quietly. Kohana looked up, she finally snapped out of her state of shock.

"No! Of course not! Why would I want that?" She was genuinely confused about his inquiry, why would she want him to leave? She realised with a start what he meant and threw her arms around him for the second time that day. He might be a ghoul but she was his mother. She could feel him hugging her back desperately, clinging to her as if his life depended on it. Mabey it did, she mused. His life had changed drastically the last moths. He had changed. Perhaps he needed this familiar piece of home.

________________________________________

Kohana didn't ask any questions until her son had calmed down and she had thought things through properly. She had come to three important conclusions. One: somehow her son had changed, had turned into a ghoul, something that haunted nightmares in all of Tokyo. She didn't know how or why but she intended to find out. Two: Something horrible had happened to him, she was not sure if the changes to his attitude and looks were caused by his transformation into a ghoul or if he had been through something even more horrifying. She was scared to find out but could not let her son go through this alone.

The last one was one she didn't dare form into thoughts but which lay there and gnawed at her mind and gave her a sick feeling. If he had turned into a ghoul he still had to eat. Only he could no longer eat normal food. He had to have eaten to survive, had to have eaten a person. She put this to the back of her mind resolutely, it did not matter she told herself. From now on she would be there by his side to take care of him.

Kaneki pulled away from his mother and gave her a week smile. "I am sorry for making you worry" he said and looked down guiltily "I really thought it was for the best to stay away from you. I still think it was the right decision. "

Kohana looked sadly at her son and wished for thongs to be different. No ghouls, no horror and no sorrow. For her son to have grown up to be the good happy person she had imagined he would be. But reality had hit hard and she had to let go of the dreams and focus on doing the best of what they had now.

"You are here now." Kohana said gently "will you tell me what happened?" Kaneki looked away and seemed to argue with himself before he seemingly gave in with a sigh and turned back to her. He would stay with her and in that moment she felt that everything would be fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit shorter than last chapter but a bit more eventfull ;) see you in the next chapter.


	3. Kunde jag vrida tiden tillbaka

Kohana's illusion shattered the moment his story began.

"It started in the coffeeshop, it was four months ago now I think, feels like a lifetime..." Kaneki trailed of for a second "I got a date, happier that I'd been in a long time, she was smart and pretty and our first date was to the bookshop. I followed her home that evening, she was worried because her neighbourhood was very densely populated by ghouls." he paused for breath and dragged his hand through his hair. Kohana could see where the story was going and hoped she was wrong, "Were you attacked?" she asked with a weak voice filled with concern.

Kaneki smiled bitterly "You could say that. We came to an alley and she stopped, we were going to kiss, well I thought so at least. I felt this sharp pain in my shoulder suddenly and didn't really understand why. Well apparently the pretty girl was one of the more famous ghouls around and felt like having me for a snack." he finished with a forced cheer and a smile that did not reach his dark eyes. Kohana felt her insides grow cold, and bit her lip to keep in her seat. She tried to calm herself and remember that he was still alive, he was here. It didn't help. "H-how did you survive?" she forced out.

"Someone had a grudge on her, Rize-sama, and we both got trapped under those steel-beams and the commotion brought someone there so we were rescued and as you know, brought to the hospital." Kaneki gave a deep sigh and continued still in a voice that did not convey his real emotions, to distance himself from the horror of it "Her organs were implanted in me. The doctor was some crazy scientist, Kanou, and he wanted to create artificial ghouls. He succeeded, obviously. Not that he told me, sent me on my way home to wonder why everything I ate tasted horrible and was impossible to keep down. I don't think I quite accepted the reason until I followed an amazing smell and ended up in a back-alley."

Kohana knew what would come and tried not to feel repulsed, she could see that her son was as disgusted as her and it made her forget her own feelings. She realised how horrible it must have been for him to realise that he had to eat his fellow humans to survive, how he must have feared to become one of the monsters they heard about on the news every day. Kohana put her arms around herself, as if to keep the sorrow at bay.

"That was the first time I saw a dead body" Kaneki said quietly, with a melancolic expression staring out into space, as if longing for his lost innocence. "That night I met Touka-chan and she brought me to Anteiku and told me that I could live, as the manager put it: "a relatively guilt free life as a ghoul". So they gave me a job and set me up with food. This was back when I still talked to you guys some times." He looked guilty again with his shoulders slumped. Kohana remembered those days, she was sad that her son was distancing himself from her but told herself that he just needed time away to settle down on his own with friends and work.

She never imagined this. She sat quietly when he told her about the incident that had him shutting off all his contact with his human friends. When she heard it she could understand his motives, he had almost killed his best friend, and would have if not for Touka. While she could understand where he came from she still wished he would have stayed with her. From then on the story became more like a story, a horrible thriller of life. Being caught by the gourmet and almost sold to a bunch of hungry ghouls and fighting CCG agents, doves as he called them. When he came to a break in his story she felt empty inside and could do nothing but cover her face in her hands and look down on the table without seeing it clearly.

Kaneki got up from the chair to stretch, "Should I put on some coffee?" he asked, already roaming through her kitchen supplies for some coffee beans and a brewer. Kohana watched as he made the coffee with sure movements. She could remember when he was younger, he never liked coffee much but would try to help her make it. He was very bad at it, saying the least, it would always be almost to strong to drink or so watered out that it didn't taste anything at all. When he put a cup in front of her she approached it hesitantly, years of habit overtaking her logical reasoning that he actually had worked in a coffeeshop.

The coffee was perfect. For some reason it made her realise how different everything was more so than everything yet and she felt tears sting in her eyes. She could not hold back the urge to cry and let out a choked sob. She tried to act natural as if her entire face was not wet with tears and managed to tell Kaneki in a reasonably steady voice to continue his story. He watched her with concern for a moment but she just shook her head and waved him on.

"The biggest change was just some weeks ago when we suddenly had a visitor at Anteiku, he warned us about some group of ghouls called the Aogiri tree, apparently they were after Rize-sama, and according to him I smelled a lot of her. Well just a few days later it was proven correct and this big guy, Jason of the 13:th ward, showed up at our doorstep and decided to bring me with him. I was quite useless and despite fighting back there was nothing I could do."

Kohana realised what the ghouls earlier had said, they talked about Aogiri and of Jason. Wherever this was going it could not be good, and, as she understood now, had caused her son to be a target for ghouls. She let him continue with the story, dreading what was to come.

"Ten days later I got away" Kaneki hesitated and put on a false smile " and that brings us to where we are now" Kohana realised that he had skipped probably the most important part in his story, and that he did it to protect her once again. "You can tell me" she said with an encouraging smile "I won't think any different of you" Despite this he looked reluctant to speak and hid his eyes behind his hands.

"It was... bad" he began slowly "They put me in a large round room on a lone chair. It was not very bright in there... the chair was uncomfortable. First I was given an injection, RC-cell represent I think, it made it easier to... It made my body weaker and I was no longer impossible to harm with regular tools." He was choosing his wording with care as if he was afraid the words alone could hurt her, but she already knew what was coming, Antoinette's syndrome, that explained his whitened hair and his new, darker attitude. Kohana broke on the inside for her son.

Kaneki didn't tell her exactly what happened, he couldn't, and he did not need to.

"After nine days in there Jason realised I was not going to break, so he brought in a mother and her child and told me to choose who would live. I was unable to and he killed them both." he let out a small tear and it ran slowly down his face and caught the lights. "I snapped, I realised that "be hurt rather that to hurt others" had put me in that situation and that mentality was not going to cut it anymore. I broke free." Kohana could see how he felt ashamed by this, but also that he did not regret it, he only wished she did not have to know.

"You killed him didn't you" she saw the answer on his face and continued quickly "It's alright you know, I understand.." Kohana was not sure if she could really understand what he had gone through and neither could she truly understand what would drive a person to kill an other sentient being. He was her son, she reminded herself, she would be forgiving, understand to the best of her ability. She could not stop the small gnawing doubt again. Had he changed beyond redemption? What other horrible acts had he committed?

"After that it was confusing, the CCG was attacking the building and the people from Anteiku was there to free me. I found Touka and had to save her from her insane brother, when she asked me to return to Anteiku I decided not to and went to search out Kanou instead, Banjou and Tsukiyama came with me and here we are now." Wasn't Tsukiama that guy who was trying to eat Kaneki? Kohana asked this and Kaneki answered with a slight laugh that he was still trying. Kohana could not understand how her son could be so accepting that he let a man who had tried to kill him and his friends be a part of his "group". "How do you know he won't try to eat you again?" she asked incredulously, Kaneki's smile turned a bit sad and he commented "He wouldn't dare to". For some reason Kohana believed him.

Kohana had a feeling that some things had been left out of the story but she was alright with that, she had learnt that some things was better left unknown and she was not sure she wanted to hear him talk about what he must have done to survive. Without lingering on it further she once again put it to the furthest corner of her head, barely a day with her son back and already it was a habit. "How about this Touka girl though?" she asked lightly to brighten the spirit in the room, it worked perfectly she noticed with relief and a small amount of satisfaction, Kaneki blushed slightly and was suddenly very busy playing with the zipper on his hoodie. Kohana sensed that he had deeper feelings for her and even though he had tried to keep the story a bit impersonal to keep from breaking down it was clear that he cared much for the brash girl.

"I can see someone has a crush" she said jokingly in a singsong voice and suddenly everything was back to normal. Kaneki spluttered and tried to deny it but she could see than underneath he was just as happy as her that things had gained some semblance of normality.

After that they kept their conversations lighthearted and circulated around the friends that Kaneki had gained in his life recently. Kohana expressed her wishes to see the people he so fondly described and despite her discomfort in the thought of spending time with ghouls she was genuinely interested in meeting them. Kaneki on the other hand seemed a bit reluctant but agreed, after much prompting from his mother, to let her meet them in the safer environment of Anteiku.

When evening was turning to night and the light in the room had faded to a dull glow from the lightbulb above the small white-painted table. They fell into a comforting silence and revelled in the familiar calm that had once been an essential part of their lives. Cool air blew softly in through the window they had opened and brought with it the fresh scent of evening air. The calm was broken by a loud noise, Kaneki pulled out his phone and looked at the screen. "I have to take this" he said with furrowed brows and walked quicky out to the hallway while he answered the call.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A lot of story telling in this one. But not to worry, now the fun part is starting :)

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!! Hope you stay for the next chapter, which should be up in a few days :) (and yes I will keep naming my chapters after my favorite songs, see if you can guess the singer/band)  
> please Kudos ^^*


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